Is insecurity it’s own form of vanity? A Facebook Friend presented that concept and it felt like biting on tin foil; nerve struck. Could insecurity be the devilish end to an overblown ego? I considered my own.
It manipulates me into thinking people actually care. It recommends ideas to manipulate others to prove it, concepts I try to consistently reject. It clutters my thinking regardless. It is an embarrassing funhouse mirror; try to appear so small you may slip through a storm drain. Look like a fool screaming "Save me! I'm Tiny!"
"Tell me I’m big."
Tell yourself you are an average sized human and maybe quit standing in the gutter.
Finding the sweet spot of sharing creative life online hasn't become easier the more I do it. Practice makes cloying. I cringe at some of the things I wrote 6 years ago but they were honest at the time. I'm sure I'll do the same here, six years from now but I can't be honest writing for "Future Me".
Creating for posterity? That is just shameless ego.
Sharing vulnerability isn't about size. It is about time and space. "Where I am?" not "Where do you think I am?" On a true course, other travelers will recognize the honesty.
The humblebrag, is a burp. Bad manners born of insecurity and the inability to know when you're in a good location. I know I'm in a good place but there is always a real tug at my ego. "I'm not there yet." Where's there anyway?
So yes, I'm insecure but I try not to use digital life as a salve for those paper cuts of perceived slights (hurts like a bitch but really quite shallow). Managing disappointment is a fundamental part of this job. If you don't have it checked, you're not successful.
I am recalculating my position as I age, make art and parent my children, dropping a pin on the map.
I'm asking questions that don't need answers and just wondering if you are asking them too.